Some Grinnin
Stuff ... "Where's the Kaboom? (-: Remember, I don't
write this stuff |
Some Grinnin
Stuff ... "Where's the Kaboom? (-: Remember, I don't
write this stuff |
| Have you seen the following "words of wisdom???" Cats in Physics 1 - Law of Cat Inertia : A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 2 - Law of Cat Motion : A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 3 - Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 5 - Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 6 - Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. 7 - Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 8 -Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 10 - Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 11 - Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 12 - First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. 17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 19 - Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 20 - Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 21 - Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible. 22 - Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 23 - Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 24 - Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 25 - Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. |
| A Christian couple wanted a family pet. They felt it important that the
pet have Christian training. At a kennel specializing in Christian trained pets, they found a dog that they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and took him home. That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog that they called the him over and had him show off his Bible-fetching ability. Their friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do "usual" dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "Let's give it a try." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head. (Contributed by WJB with a BIG Grin!!!) |
| Here's one more "redneck" list ... <GRIN> ... it's
worth a laugh! Your Starship Captain Just Might Be A Redneck If... - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month - he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" - he refers to Klingons as "Critters" - he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" - he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen - he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle - he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it - he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage" - he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster" - he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens - he paints the starship John Deere green - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" - he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp" - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies - he sets phaser to "Cajun" |
| Have you seen the following "kid conversations???" Relax,
read and grin!!! TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE : Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY: Me! SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum? BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson. TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day? ALFRED: I get up early. TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave? STUDENT: Yes, sir. TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise,you didn't have to keep yours. TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not. HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework. TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did. TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper. DON: I hope you didn't either. GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you. MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test? JUNIOR: Because of absence. MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test? JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was. SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet. HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOSE: Don't bite any. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am." ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defence" and "detail" in a sentence. MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail. The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" voice shouted, "Okay---you start." MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money. TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get? SASHA : A new bike. TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? VINCENT: One dollar. TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic. VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father. TEACHERS: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands! TEACHER: Why are you late? AMOS: I lost my quarter. TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver? OLIVER: I was standing on it. "Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl. "Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl. "No." "I'm the principal's daughter." "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. "No," she replied. "Thank goodness!" |
| The following message was shared with us by CPT JWM and originated with Chaplain Don Yancey (LTC) … a little “inside” humor from the Army … You know your unit is “too” technologically advanced when... Every vehicle has "Intel Inside" stenciled on the side. The service is renamed "U.S. Army 98." Tanks play a little tune when you start them up. The platoon medic carries Norton Anti-Virus in his first-aid kit. Your gun sights have a Win95 startup screen. Every night Marine Corps boot camp recruits shout, "Good night, Bill Gates, wherever you are!" Bayonets have a laser range finder and barometric pressure gauge. Military funerals feature the "21 beep salute" and the "missing file formation." Unit guidons are replaced with black-and-white bar codes. Crashing a vehicle takes on a whole new meaning. Maintenance companies of forward support battalions are replaced by 1-800 service numbers. Every platoon's TO&E includes "Novell Certified Engineer (1)." Rifles come with a boot disk. Soldiers are heard to say, "How many MEGs you got in your rucksack?" Night vision goggles have a screen saver. After lasing the target, your attack helicopter asks, "Do you really want to delete this target?" Hand grenades require you to put in a password before throwing them. SINCGARS is the most user-friendly piece of equipment you have. God bless, Chaplain Yancey |
| Hey CPT BC ... you are feeling a little "old" today are
you??? HA! Thanks for the chuckles ... ** Signs That You're No Longer A Kid! ** You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You can live without sex but not without glasses. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" You have a dream about prunes. You answer a question with, "Because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word equity means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel ("old folks' MTV"). You can go bowling without drinking. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. |
| Please read and follow the instructions carefully ... <GRIN> ... To: All Employees From: Mary (Human Resources) Re: Elevator Safety Yes, it is time again for one of those profound memos from the Human Resource Department. You may be aware of the fact that several people were stuck in the elevator today. Apparently, the cause was due to the elevator being overloaded. As a result, I put together a list of recommendations which will help improve elevator safety. 1. Do not allow more than 9 to 10 people to travel in the elevator with you. 2. Make sure you have gone to the bathroom prior to riding the elevator. 3. As a courtesy to all the people that are riding the elevator with you, refrain from eating beans for breakfast or lunch. 4. Wait for the next elevator in the event that Judy, Janet or Tammy are going to ride. Judy and Janet are claustrophobes, and Tammy just panics about everything. In the event that you decide to ride with any combination of these three ladies, I hope you know CPR. 5. If you find it absolutely necessary to get stuck in the elevator, please punch out. All kidding aside, please follow the first suggestion. It is important to ensure your safety. |
| Thanks to WJB for the follow
"health" tips ... read and be a "wise" eater ... The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays. Breakfast: Lunch: Mid-Afternoon snack: Dinner: Late Evening News: RULES FOR THIS DIET: 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS! |
| Here's a couple of chuckles to make your day brighter ... <GRIN>
... First ... A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop." And, then ... There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade. A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!" |
